“I ruined my relationship…”
Breaking up is tough, especially when he’s the one who wants nothing to do with you anymore and not vice versa. Love is gone and all hope for a bright future together is thrown out the window. You can’t help but ask yourself, “Why was I so stupid? If I played my cards right, he wouldn’t want to break up with me!”
And that’s how the most vicious cycle begins – you start blaming yourself for every single fight the two of you had and hating yourself for ruining the “best” relationship of your life. You start to analyze every single thing he ever said to you and how you should have answered differently. You even start to think about your wardrobe, “I should have worn more shorts! He loves shorts!”
One female reader reached out to me and said how she regrets that time she freaked out on her boyfriend for no reason. “I was so dumb,” she said, “should have just let him hang out with his friends.” What my reader and thousands of other women go through is this vicious circle of self-blame for a failed relationship while putting their exes on a pedestal. They’re basically saying, “I was total shit and he was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
And then they get a “bright” idea! “I’m going to become the girlfriend he always wanted to have. I’ll lose weight, look gorgeous, get my shit together, never freak out again and then he’ll be like, ‘Damn girl, you’re a diamond, I want you back!'” Can you see what’s wrong here? Because I can. Zero self-esteem!
If a man breaks up with you and wants nothing to do with you, it should be an instant turn-off… NOT a challenge. It shouldn’t make you want him even more. That’s not love, that’s masochism. You deserve to have a loving man by your side and not someone who you constantly need to prove your worth to.
One thing I keep telling these girls is that there is NOTHING they could have done differently that would turn their situation into a loving relationship. I really like this quote by Dita Von Teese, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”
When you’re not right for each other, then you’re just not right for each other. There is no way a loving man would let his woman go because she freaked out on him and/or wore jeans instead of shorts. The real reason for my reader’s breakup is quite simple, really – he just wasn’t that into her.
On a good note, when you meet the right man, a man who falls head over heels in love with you, who wants to take care of you and treat you like a princess, all these things that you thought you did wrong in the past – they will NEVER make him want to break up with you. You will be his life, his muse, his motivation to succeed. He will never make you feel like you might lose him if you don’t play your cards right, because that’s not life, that’s torture.
Instead of holding a grudge against those other boys who made you feel like you weren’t enough, thank them! Instead of wishing for them to regret ever letting you go, smile! After all, they made you realize what you DON’T want in a relationship. Leaving you was actually the best thing they could have ever done, otherwise you’d be stuck with someone who makes you feel like shit your whole life. By being alone, you can now focus on attracting the right guy. It’s time to leave the wrong guys in the past, set higher standards for the future and move on.