There are plenty of little signs that can point me to believe that someone’s relationship is unhealthy. I have a bunch of readers (mostly female) who reach out to me with their relationship problems and it’s my absolute pleasure to be able to help them dissect their issues and understand where they’re coming from.
The most common problem I see is pure and simple: toxic a.k.a. shitty relationships. Here’s how I spot them:
He doesn’t care about your life
He doesn’t care/ask questions about your work, hobbies, interests, friends and emotions. He has no idea what your ideal vacation or pastime is. In other words, you don’t interest him as a fully functional individual with preferences, tastes and motives. Your ‘partner’ is more interested in you as an accessory to his lifestyle and does everything in his power to stay away from your true self.
He’s not ready for the ‘next step’ and you are
Let’s say you’ve been dating for over 6 months and he still hasn’t asked you to move in together, although you’re already planning how you’re going to name your third child. Or, perhaps, you’ve been living together for a while now, yet he still didn’t ask you to marry him even though you really want that “next step.” Or you really want kids and he doesn’t.
These are perfect examples of toxic relationships, where one partner completely ignores the other partner’s basic wants and needs. It doesn’t mean that he’s a bad person – he has the right not to want to move in with you or not to want to have kids. But your relationship is toxic whether you like it or not, at least for you.
Being on the “same page” with your partner is crucial for a healthy relationship.
He makes you jealous
That’s just wrong and totally unhealthy.
Most importantly – you’re not happy
You’re constantly stressed and uncomfortable inside your relationship. Maybe your man is playing the hot-and-cold card on you, when he gets to come in and out of your life as he pleases. You try to text him, call him, but he’s completely ignoring you. Then he comes back into your life for a certain period of time only to disappear shortly after.
He doesn’t introduce you to his family or friends. You’re not sure where your relationship is going or if you’re even in a relationship at all. It doesn’t really matter what makes your “partner” (notice the quotation marks) act this way. What matters is – he doesn’t care that his actions are hurting you.
Finally, YOU’RE the problem
At the end of the day, you’re the one who’s stuck inside a toxic relationship. You crave this unhealthy sort of union for one reason or another. Most often, these problems come from a woman’s childhood: someone has taught her that love equals emotional pain.
These women will put their toxic relationships on a pedestal and will refer to men who mistreated them as “loves of their lives” or “the ones who got away.” In their crooked world, love is measured by the amount of emotional pain that a person has brought onto them.
This one particular girl writes me how she can’t get over her ex, even though he was physically and mentally abusive towards her when they were together.
One thing I keep telling these girls is that they have to stop associating love to pain, because that’s the root of all evil. They need to completely re-evaluate their perception of what love truly is. Real love and healthy relationships are absolutely effortless and stress-free.